Spread Your Wings

Sometimes I really feel like escaping. Like taking the easy way out. Just leaving, leave everything and everyone behind. Go to a new place, with new things, new people, new opportunities. Sometimes I get so tired of seeing the same faces, hearing the same things, and doing all of the same activities. Go to school. Go to work. Go back to school. Study. Look out a window. Take A walk. Go to work. Eat. Go to sleep. Go to school. Work. Lay in bed awake all night thinking about work and school. It never ends. The same patterned routine over and over. Sure, each day holds a few new things, a few glimpses of what my life COULD be. But overall, its the same day to day theme. I'm doing what im supposed to do though right? That's what i've been told since I started Kindergarten. "Go to school, so you can get an education and a job to take care of your family." Do this, and do that, do all of the things they never got to do and they are suffering because of. So that's what im doing. The first in my family to attend college, the only one that can manage to hold a steady job, the only one that has their life together. I guess. In the eyes of others im doing all of the right things and it'g going to pay off in the end. But will it really? Do i really want to be in college, striving for a PhD in psychology that could just as easily land me on the streets as not going to college could. Do i really want to be working at friendlys, making money to support myself at the age of 18, to support all of my financial needs and then some, yet, dreading to go every single day. but, its what im "supposed" to do isnt it? And man, am i making mama and daddy proud. Going through the motions. each and every day. Doing things that most dream of, and never achieve. i should be proud of myself, my accomplishments, and i mean i am, but how can you be proud of yourself when you know you are capable of SO. MUCH. MORE.

We read "The Glass Menagerie" in class this semester. And although I HATED the play, i could really connect to one of the characters, Tom. Tom too went through the motions. He worked, took care of his family, helped with his crippled sister, and educated himself. Yet, he was unhappy. He was doing all the right things, but in reality he wanted to join the merchant marines. He wanted more. Dont we all? He wanted to see things, do things. be more. do more. be what he knew he was capable of being. but that meant leaving everyone behind. leaving everything behind. abandoning those that loved and cared for him and about him. Being made out to look like the bad guy, the one that gave up all that he had for his own selfish wants. But did he really? or did he just decide that enough was enough and he needed to strive to be all that he was capable of being? I suppose its up to the reader to decide what really happened. But for me, as the reader, i envy Tom. I envy his tenacity to leave. His bravery to separate himself from all that tied him down. He knew he needed to jump, to take the next step. because jumping separates us from those that settle with the comfortable and the safe. It's funny that one of the life lessons I have always been taught, "Never settle", is now contradicting itself with everything else ive been taught. Keep pushing through the motions. Never settle. Do whats right. Do what you believe is right. So many things ive always been told, so many lessons i have been taught. all just contradictions.

Sometimes i look up, and i see hundreds of birds just sitting in a tree. and i wonder to myself, "why do they just sit there, when they can fly anywhere in the world?", but then i ask myself the same question.